There is a recurring theme in my life…some of the people I love don’t treat me well. I don’t know what to do about it, so this post will be a chance for me to come up with some practical ideas that might help.
For most of my life, I had low self esteem. This lead to my choosing people who were dysfunctional and unable to treat me well. And, some were family members (who I did not choose, but who trained me to accept less than I deserve when it comes to relationships).
Now, after so much work and growth, I feel good about myself, but there are still people in my life who don’t show respect and I am left feeling uncared about. The big thing that keeps me from solving this is that THEY DON’T MEAN it and DON’T KNOW IT!
That said, how do I ask them to treat me differently? How do I explain some simple things I need without making it a big dramatic moment.
Here are some examples of mistreatment:
*dialogue is one sided – the person talks so fast about themselves and doesn’t let me get a word in.
*there is a lack of appreciation…mostly teenagers I work with. They don’t thank me enough or don’t seem to acknowledge what I do for them.
*rude comments that make me feel criticized or misunderstood.
When I think about this problem, I keep coming up with one idea…People will treat you the way you let them treat you. It isn’t their fault if you feel disappointed but don’t say anything about it.
I don’t think I am the only one dealing with this problem. If you work with young adults, you know about the lack of empathy and sense of entitlement that can come with those relationships. People need to be coached…young and old alike.
So…this is an attempt to come up with ideas about how to handle these interactions and teach people how to treat us.
*for the over-talker, wait until there is a window and then say, “Can I tell you something? I have something I want to say.” That should be a signal that the person is monopolizing the conversation. This may have to be done every time to have a conversation. Thanking the person for allowing you to talk might be a good reinforcer.
*I statements – of course! When I get the chance, say something like, “Just wanted to let you know, that I felt a little hurt that you didn’t thank me for…”. Then, don’t talk to see what they say. Hopefully it will result in a conversation that can help you explain how you feel and they will gain something from it.
*Quick responses that help me stick up for myself – I did this the other day and it felt right…one of my coworkers made a “joke” about how I am always ditzy. I immediately came back at her with: “Hey, I’ve been doing better!” It shut her down a bit and made me feel o.k. about it.
One of the hardest things for me is that I KNOW that anyone who mistreats someone like me must be in pain or having their own self esteem issues. That means that I should be understanding and empathetic about their behavior.
What I need to remind myself is that relationships take work and have to have moments of hard honesty. If I am not sharing my true feelings, good or bad, the relationship cannot grow.
As always, if someone repeatedly treat us poorly and the strategies don’t work, it could be time to re-evaluate the relationship and it is perfectly fine to AVOID the person. This can be pretty tough when it is a family member, but sometimes you need to protect yourself and be careful to limit interactions. It is always worth a try. Always remember that people change over time, so reconnecting and giving the relationship another try can be worth it.
So…I am going to start trying harder to teach people how to treat me. I’ll respond to this post once I have worked on it for a few weeks. I know it will require courage, but in an effort to improve the relationship, I will try it!
Update:
The day I wrote the post I felt determined to tell one of my family members how I felt after a phone conversation. This particular family member monologues and monopolizes the conversation on a regular basis. I was so frustrated when I got off the phone that I call her back to talk about it. She didn’t answer my call, but I felt determined to tell her later.
An hour went by before she called me back. By the time she did, I had a realization. If I made a big deal about it, it would hurt her. She didn’t know what she was doing and it might be better to figure out more strategies to tell her when it’s happening instead of letting her keep talking and confronting her after the fact.
That realization led me to another one…the best way to teach someone how to treat me is to give immediate feedback. That is my biggest weakness.
I have been continuing to think about it. The stronger I get, the faster I can respond to people and stick up for myself. It all comes back to self esteem and confidence. How do we handle mistreatment on the spot?
I’m still testing this out, but one thing that has helped is coming up with a few immediate responses that I can pull from when it happens.
Here are some examples:
When a person doesn’t listen to me: “Did you hear me?” “Can I explain something now?”
When someone criticizes me: “Wow…that doesn’t feel good.” “Hey, I don’t appreciate that!” “I don’t think I deserved that.” “I did the best I could and we all make mistakes.”
I don’t think we have to have major confrontations about mistreatment, but there may be times when we do. I’ll keep working on it.